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the empire never ended.
selections from the exegesis
tour of andoria (1/1) 
8th-Mar-2013 02:27 am
mulder
It's payday for me, woohoo!  I am totally going dress shopping tomorrow.  Anyway, you guys probably don't care about that but here, have some fanfic.  Since museaway has gotten me started with all these prompts I'm just going to write them all!  This one is a fill for the prompt "Kirk and McCoy are at a bar at a starbase or whatever and Kirk's hitting on everything that reminds him of Spock" (totally not verbatim, I'm sleepy.)  I was super excited about writing this one.  Yes, Rand shows up but I can't help it, I just think there should be at least 200% more Rand in everything.  I tried.  BTW, the songs Kirk keeps playing are "Girlfriend in a Coma" by the Smiths and this one:


Bones, bones, BONES!”
                “Jim,”  Leonard McCoy sighed, ignoring the small splash of whatever electric blue monstrocity Jim was currently drinking that had dribbled onto his lap.  It joined a not-inconsiderable amount of cheap beer and…something green.  He honestly didn’t know.  Suffice to say, it was one of those nights.
                “I love this place.  What’s the name of this place?”  Kirk turned around, gesticulating with all the grace of an anvil.  “We have to come here every day.  Every time we’re at this starbase, oh my God.”
                “Mmhmm.”
                “Bones, are you paying attention to—hoooly shit.  Be right back.”  Kirk practically lunged off his barstool  in the direction of a tall, thin, soon to be very confused woman with long dark hair.  McCoy shook his head.
                “Damn fool,” he muttered, and took a slow sip of bourbon, as if anything could possibly dull the chaos of Jim Kirk sloppy-drunk.  If there was, science had yet to find it, but if they ever did he’d be real damn grateful to whoever did.
                “Can I get four shots of Jameson and a pint of whatever’s on tap?  Oh, hey Dr. McCoy.”
                “Rand,”  McCoy nodded at the yeoman, who’d sidled up next to him to order.  “Who’s all that for?”
                “Some douche in engineering bet me he could drink me under the table, God love ‘em.”
                He sighed, again.  “If I end up with that douche in my sick bay tomorrow morning I will come after you, Rand.  I will personally ensure that you have the pleasure of joining any away mission to an ice planet for the next year.  Two if I have to wake up in the middle of the night to deal with him.”
                Rand, unswayed by his most forbidding glare, narrowed her eyes.  “Take it back, or I invite Chapel to join us.  Think about it.  I know she’s on shift tomorrow, do you really want to do this to yourself?”  A commotion from the other side of the bar distracted her.  “Oh hey, you better go get the captain.  I think he just threw up on some girl.”
                “Do you think or do you know?  Just sayin’, I’m not getting involved in this at all unless there’s absolutely no other option.”
                Kirk had in fact thrown up, though to be fair he’d mostly missed the (now very unhappy) Reman woman he’d tried to chat up.  His attempt to charm the pants off a lanky researcher stationed on Deneva had gone down in flames as well, as did his run at tall, pale and uncomfortable over by the jukebox.
                “I dunno what’s wrong with me,”  Kirk mumbled, though it was hard to make out with his head in his hands against the dark wood of the bar.  “I’m 0 for…”
                “Seven.  I think you should call it a night.”
                “I just—I don’t get it.  I’m a catch, man, don’t you think I’m a catch?  And can I get another one of those blue things?”
                “As long as I’m alive, you’ll never drink another Tour of Andoria again if it makes you this damn moody.  Look at yourself, Jim.”
                Kirk sat up, mostly supported by the counter.  “Oh my God.  I love this song.  I can’t believe they’re playing it again.”
                “You’ve had the jukebox playing the same two songs all night.  I don’t know whose girlfriend it is in a coma but at this point—“  McCoy broke off to drain the last of his beer “—I don’t care.  You ready to get out of here?”
                Kirk moved to get up but froze like a deer in the headlights, hands gripping the stool as he tried not to fall.  “Yeah, Bones, in a minute…”
                “Good God, no, you’re not gonna make a pass at anybody else.”
                “I’m usually so much smoother than this!”  Kirk said, loudly enough to catch the attention of a couple two seats over who quickly moved away.  That may have been due to the flailing as he said it more than to the volume, though.  “He’s so hot though, come on.”
                McCoy looked over at the man in question, who had no idea he had narrowly avoided a very awkward experience.  He was tall, skinny as a signpost, with hair as black as McCoy’s own heart (at least that was how Kirk had described tall, pale and awkward during one of his more expressive moments that evening.)  Not usually Kirk’s type, which was weird; all tall, thin and kind of withdrawn—
                No.
                Kirk had wandered off to order another Tour of Andoria against his better judgment, which had abandoned him at least ninety minutes and four poor unsuspecting bastards ago, leaving McCoy to make a startling and terrible realization alone, one that would have been too unfathomable to contemplate if it didn’t make so much damn sense. So that was why Kirk had been acting like a middle-school girl with a crush, why he’d been trying so damn hard to prove himself, why he’d stopped flirting with everything with a pulse and narrowed his search to a very specific type who shut him down every time.
                As Kirk tried (and epically failed) to cozy up to a brunette, McCoy dragged himself off his stool with a scowl and went over to the corner where Scotty and Uhura were deep in conversation.  .
                “You and Spock broke up, right?”  He asked without preamble.  Uhura’s eyes widened almost comically and she looked at him like he’d grown a second head.  “Jesus, I’m not asking you out, which by the way’s hardly so scary, I’m just asking.”
                Scotty looked on in amusement, which was pretty much his default setting.
                “Yeah, six weeks ago, I—“
                “And would you say it was amicable?”  Goddamn it, he was too good a friend.
                “Uh…yes, yeah, definitely.  Why—“
                He held up a hand.  “You don’t wanna know.”  He pulled out his communicator and called the bridge.

                “Jim.  Jim!”  He yelled over the sound of The Replacements.  Kirk turned around, half-empty glass in hand.  The other half was on his shirt.
                “Bones, you—Spock?”
                Spock curtly nodded, practically bristling next to McCoy.
                “What are you doing here?”
                Spock looked to McCoy with the same unfathomable, damn annoying look he always had on his face.  “I was told there was an emergency—“
                McCoy patted Spock on the shoulder.  “Congratulations, Spock, he’s yours now.  Don’t feed him after midnight and don’t do anything I wouldn’t, and if you do don’t ever tell me about it.  And I do mean never.”
                “I do not understand.”  Spock blushed, a faint green coloring his cheeks as he looked from a nauseatingly wistful Kirk to McCoy and back again.
                “You’ll figure it out, God help us all.”  McCoy said.  Two tables away, Rand’s drinking partner faceplanted on the table with an audible thud.
                “Suck it!” Rand shouted, fist in the air.
                “Oh, God,”  McCoy groaned, rolling his eyes.
Comments 
8th-Mar-2013 01:16 pm (UTC)
McCoy patted Spock on the shoulder. “Congratulations, Spock, he’s yours now. Don’t feed him after midnight and don’t do anything I wouldn’t, and if you do don’t ever tell me about it. And I do mean never.”

Hahahahahahaha. I love Bones so much. I love that Jim trusts (I initially typed that as thrusts - whoops) his crew enough to handle the ship while he really lets loose. Rand drinking someone under the table was great.

Does Spock take Jim back to the Enterprise now? Or does Spock just leave without him? Is he massively confused or does he Get It? Do they stay at the bar while Spock drinks tea and Jim moons at him? Does Rand start a pool and everyone bets on how far they'll get (except Bones who is like omgdonottalkaboutthis) despite it being massively unprofessional?
9th-Mar-2013 06:10 am (UTC)
Thrusts, haha, that is a great typo/freudian slip! I love Bones. He's so gruff and sexy and doesn't even know he's so sexy. He's so fun to write, especially since I live in the South so I can let that slip in.
My headcanon Rand is my favorite to write, easily. Well, her and then Chapel :)
In my imagination Spock would take jim back and awkwardly sit there while he complained because he'd feel duty-bound to make sure he was ok, and Jim would feel super ashamed in the morning, but Spock will never tell him any of the incriminating things he said. He'll just think about them until he eventually realizes "OMG he totally likes me." except, you know, in a Spock way, so probably without the OMG.
9th-Mar-2013 02:32 pm (UTC)
True...he probably doesn't say OMG even when hyped up on chocolate. Spock is such a gentleman!
8th-Mar-2013 05:16 pm (UTC)
Aha, hilarious! Bones is amazing, and I completely agree - there should always be more Rand. :)
9th-Mar-2013 06:11 am (UTC)
Thank you very much! Yay, I am so glad people like Rand. She is so fun to write. I could write her forever.
8th-Mar-2013 05:52 pm (UTC)
I enjoyed this a lot. Yes, the Janice Rand pieces were fun, so bring more of her on. :-)
9th-Mar-2013 06:12 am (UTC)
Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Rand is getting so much love, I will have to give her another chapter :)
9th-Mar-2013 05:09 pm (UTC)
This is just priceless. Your can just imagine it... Two guys walk into a bar and one says to the other.
Love the potential for awesome Rand in this chapter, like the Rand Tuvok meets strong and awesome
10th-Mar-2013 06:17 am (UTC)
Thank you! I love Rand. She has her own fic but she keeps creeping into everything else I write, such is her awesomeness.
10th-Mar-2013 02:27 am (UTC) - Saturday, March 9, 2013
User horseriderjen referenced to your post from Saturday, March 9, 2013 saying: [...] by (Kirk, Scotty, G, XI) Slash - WIPs Slash - Completed Tour of Andoria [...]
14th-Mar-2013 01:14 pm (UTC)
THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!! OMG I LOVE IT!!!! How can Kirk still be so sweet and charming even when he's ridiculously drunk and silly??! Bones is the best wingman ever. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this!!! I hope your dress shopping went well!!
15th-Mar-2013 05:17 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I am so happy you liked it. I always think even if only one person ever commented on my fics I would keep going forever. Bones is a great wingman because he is one even though he really, really doesn't want to be, he is awesome. I have such a crush on Bones.

I actually did not even buy a dress! I'm totally regretting it though, since I was trying to be good and not spend money but I wanna just go back to target and get the one I wanted!
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